Hello.

It has been a long time since I came to my dashboard. Tomorrow will be the first of December, my month. Time flies. Every day, there was something for me to blog about because somethings happened. But I couldn't find the time or rather, this wasn't on top of my priority list.

I signed up for Run For Hope as a volunteer to be a road marshal. I thought it would be as fun as last year, where I got to meet my two new seniors. It failed my expectations. Because of the shortage of manpower, everyone was spread out far away from one another to cover the long distance. We had to hold motivational posters and cheer for the participants. And I don't mind except it is pretty awkward for one person to cheer as the runners listened to the music to pace their steps. I thought it would be a better idea to put three people a team and spread each team even further away.
Anyway, I met some runners who were really friendly and repeated my poster's message - Hand in there! I saw a very beautiful dog who went jogging with his owner. It was only 8 months old but had a similar size as a golden retriever. Its fur coat was strikingly white and incredibly soft when I ran my hand through it! What a lovely creature. I longed to have one too :)

My Grandma was hospitalized many days ago and the doctor diagnosed pneumonia. My mum messaged me the news while I was in school and I was shaken for a moment. What if... became a serious question. My Grandma is old, more than 80 years old if I'm right. I had this not-so-filial internal struggle with my conscious. I know I am really incorrigible to feel this way but it was a raw truth I couldn't deny myself. I was worried about the worst scenario I foresee someday. I wouldn't be able to cope, I just couldn't. I am not strong enough. Regrettably, I am still not independent enough to stand upright.
I went to visit my Grandma at the hospital with my family and I was so tensed up while I was there. She was so extremely frail on the hospital bed and her teeth were chattering constantly. I had this déjà vu feeling because I was in a similar state in the hospital before. Then I got scared. Fear penetrated into my bones and I wanted to bolt to the toilet and cry. I wanted to cry about what may be about to come, about the fear that kept me from reaching out to the possibilities, about my lack of courage in my life.

I realized I didn't want to try continue my life like that. To place studies as my center. I didn't want my old life anymore. I refuse to live the pathetic life I had until that moment. I was too caught up in the material world where money and qualifications are the main concerns. No, I won't die like this. Even if my parents object, I am going to travel. I am really going to see the world. No work is going to fucking bind me anymore. I refuse to die without seeing the world. Life's short. Too short. So let things and people be damned if they are in my way.
Really, just screw the past me.  

Some quarrels are too minor and insignificant for you to put in effort and explain. I give in. I ignore. Because it's pointless to win small battles like this. If it gives others satisfaction and you peace, why not? Don't dwell too much on details and words, you will be living miserably. 


Choose your battles wisely.